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It's common for couples to occasionally argue about money or bicker over bills. But if your partner is controlling when it comes to spending, discourages you from earning more money, or has begun controlling all the income in your relationship, it may be a sign of financial abuse.
'Financial abuse is the withholding of funds or refusing access to funds to a responsible partner,' Julie Williamson, LPC, NCC, RPT, a therapist at Abundant Life Counseling St. Louis, LLC, tells Bustle. 'The aim of it is to gain control and dominance over one's partner or one's own fear and anxiety of losing money.'
If you have a disagreement, and are able to work it out, then you likely have nothing to worry about. That said, 'it's important to watch out for financial abuse because financial abuse is often symptomatic of other types of abuse, such as emotional and verbal,' Williamson says. 'It gives one partner power over the other, which leads to loss of trust, authenticity, and emotional intimacy in the relationship.'
While talking to your partner may be helpful, if this is just one more thing in a trend of abuse, keep your safety in mind. And seek help. 'I recommend seeking counseling, individual or marital counseling, with a therapist who specializes in financial abuse,' Williamson says. 'This can help to not only ensure each partner's safety and seek to restore the relationship, but also to address the underlying issues regarding one person's withholding of funds from the other, as well as empower the non-offending partner to advocate for themselves and set healthy boundaries.' Or, if need be, speak with people you trust who can help you to leave the relationship. Here are a few signs of financial abuse, according to experts.
Some couples agree to have one person handle financial responsibilities, while the other does something equally important — and everything remains fair and balanced as a result. When it comes to financial abuse, though, it's common for one partner to control all the money (income, credit cards, etc.) in an unhealthy and manipulative way.
'If your partner is refusing to allow you access to credit cards or bank accounts, it's financial abuse,' Williamson says. 'This is financial abuse because your partner is seizing authority over you and not viewing you as an equal, nor trusting you enough to spend money in a healthy manner.'
It may also be their way of ensuring you're totally dependent on them, so you can't leave the relationship. If you think this is happening to you, find the right time to reach out to someone for help.
If your partner gets upset whenever you spend money — whether it's their money, your own money, or shared 'couple' money — take it as a sign, especially if you've begun to live in fear of their reaction.
'If you fear your partner ... seeking retribution for a purchase you made, this is financial abuse,' Williamson says. 'You may feel tempted to hide purchases, use cash instead of credit, etc. for fear that you will be punished for making a purchase without your partner's approval.'
While many couples create a budget and agree upon what's worth spending money on and what isn't, it's not healthy for one person to call all the shots — or get extremely angry or upset whenever money is spent.
If your paycheck goes directly to your partner, or directly into their bank account without your consent, that's definitely financial abuse. This is true even if they paint it as a way of 'helping' you learn how to control you finances, and if they say it's their way of helping you be organized.
'When one person has sole control over the finances it creates an unhealthy control element,' Angel M. Hoodye, MS, LPCS, CART, owner of Flourishing Hope Counseling, tells Bustle. 'The person that manages all of the finances has freedom and independence financially while the other person is dependent. This arrangement discourages independence for the person being financially abused.'
It's completely fine to chat about your career choices — especially if you're planning on getting married, and want to be financially stable down the road. (You might, for example, both agree not to go to grad school until you've purchased a house.) But there's a big difference between making joint plans, and your partner telling you what to do.
'A partner can take advantage of the money a partner earns, or they can employ tactics to prevent their partner from developing their own financial independence,' Ashley Bendiksen, an abuse prevention educator, tells Bustle. One example, she says, includes a partner influencing your career in a way that would keep you dependent on them, possibly by discouraging you to go back to school.
Another way to restrict financial freedom is by ruining your prospects at work, which may include them showing up at your place of employment to cause problems, make you look bad, etc.
'This often causes [people] to lose their jobs or causes major disruption when pursuing an education,' Deborah J. Cohan, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of South Carolina-Beaufort, tells Bustle. 'When [people] who are abusive violate their partners at work, they violate their partner's independence and restrict [their] movement in organizations in which [they] could have access to power and resources.' And that's not OK.
Financial abuse can also be rooted in secretiveness. 'Many times I hear from people looking for my advice, who find secret credit card accounts that their partner has opened and used without their knowledge or consent,' New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle.
While it's fine for people to spend their own money, and buy things without telling their significant other, secretiveness can become a problem. Keeping secrets about joint funds can be abusive, Masini says. And you shouldn't have to go through that.
All couples are different in terms of how they divvy up money, who earns what, and so on. But if your partner controls all the money, and only provides access to an 'allowance,' it's likely an unhealthy situation — especially if your partner tells you how and when to spend it.
As Hoodye says, 'A person experiencing financial abuse is under complete financial dependence on the provider of funds. If [they do] need money they may receive an allowance. They also may have to follow a strict protocol for spending. If additional funds are needed they may need to provide justification and provide each receipt for purchases.' None of which is healthy.
As far as bills, credit cards, and debts go, a financially abusive partner may intentionally keep you in the dark as a form of control. 'When a person has no information about any of the financial inter-workings of their life they are not able to practice financial independence,' Hoodye says. 'Financial stability is a key element of a well-balanced life. When this element is unbalanced, additional worries arise.'
There's a healthy way to split financial responsibilities in a relationship, and then there's the abusive way that involves games and manipulation.
'The overt financial abuser puts themselves in the role of gatekeeper of all the money,' Shannon Thomas, therapist and author of Exposing Financial Abuse: When Money is a Weapon, tells Bustle. 'Access is granted through them and often involves games of manipulation. The overt financial abuser is looking for power and domination in their relationship.'
Games differ from person to person, but the goal is always the same. 'The purpose of financial abuse is the abuser creating a world that meets their needs and is about their comfort,' Thomas says. 'Financial abusers lack empathy and true attachment to those around them. It is critical that people are aware of this form of harm because it has long-term devastating consequences for its victims, both emotionally [and] financially as well.'
Money issues can be difficult to talk about. But in healthy, long-term relationships, it's super important to open up and be honest with each other.
Without that honesty, it's possible to cross over into what's often called 'financial infidelity,' where one person lies about their money, or hides something important from their partner. For example, 'you may discover debt you didn’t know about,' psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, PhD, tells Bustle, which can have a negative impact on your relationship.
Unlike other abusive situations, if they can learn to be more honest with you about debts going forward, the relationship can be salvaged. Therapy may be key here, as you both work through financial problems, and learn to be more transparent.
In financially abusive relationships, it's not uncommon for one or both partners to take advantage of each other's generosity. So take it as a sign if your partner seems to be using you for money.
'It’s OK to support your partner through school, or be the main support while your partner is child-rearing or temporarily out of a job, but [they] should be doing something to compensate,' Dr. Tessina says. 'Partners who are immature may see the relationship as financial support and do nothing to support themselves,' which can lead one person to feel used.
Financial issues can take many forms, and not all of them are toxic in an unfixable way. But in general, 'if your partner wants to control all the money, it’s a warning sign [of financial abuse],' Dr. Tessina says.
If it's to the point where it's no longer possible to talk to your partner about it — and your life is being negatively impacted — it may be a good idea to reach out to a therapist, and find a healthy way to exit the relationship.
Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
You’ve probably heard the saying “love is blind.” And it can be true — sometimes romance makes it hard to see the signs that you’re in a bad relationship. Of course, no couple is perfect, but understanding which behaviors are major red flags can help you find a fulfilling partnership, whether or not that’s with your current S.O.
These deal-breaking behaviors can range from not being prioritized by your partner to intimate partner violence (also known as IPV), which can manifest as physical, emotional, psychological, and/or sexual abuse. In fact, about one in four women has experienced some form of IPV, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). And when it comes to abusive relationships, it’s important to seek help as safely as possible, says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D. “If there’s anyone you can reach out to, let them know you want support. You are not a burden,” she tells Bustle. “If you can, ask specifically for what you need. Is it money? Do you need a place to stay? Do you need to know that they have your back? Do need them to keep their phone on and be on standby?”
Beyond IPV, there’s still plenty of relationship problems that you shouldn’t tolerate. Below, experts explain 18 things you shouldn’t put up with in your partnership.
1. Your Partner Exhibits Controlling Behavior
Perhaps your partner tries to control what you do and when you do it. Or maybe they expect you to fall in line with their values, no questions asked. There are many ways your partner can be controlling, and these behaviors are not OK, says O’Reilly. “They want you to feel what they feel when they are experiencing something — they expect you to experience the same reaction,” she tells Bustle. “That person could be harmful or toxic to your lifestyle or safety.”
Of course, you and your partner’s lives, plans, and needs will intertwine to some extent. For example, if you and your S.O. share a child and they ask you to check in regularly for co-parenting purposes, that’s reasonable, says O’Reilly. But if they always need to know where you are and who you’re with for no apparent reason, that’s a red flag.
2. Your Partner Gaslights You
Gaslight is a 1944 mystery movie starring Ingrid Bergman as a newlywed. In the film, Bergman's husband is looking for hidden treasure in their house with the help of the attic’s gaslights, which causes every other light in the house to dim. When Bergman’s character addresses the issue, her husband insists she’s imagining things. From this film, the term “gaslighter” was born to describe a partner who tries to convince you that you are wrong or crazy.
Gaslighting is a common trait in controlling partners, says licensed counselor Nawal Alomari, LCPC. Your partner may try to convince you that your concerns are “crazy” or unfounded, or they might respond to your hurt feelings with, “It was just a joke,” or, “Lighten up.”
“When you feel something, they try and make you feel as though something’s wrong with you for feeling it,” O’Reilly says. “You’ve told them that [something] doesn’t feel good for you, and they’ve dismissed your remarks.” And although the self-doubt that gaslighting sows can be difficult to overcome, this behavior is toxic and reason enough to leave your relationship.
3. Your Partner Abuses You Emotionally Or Verbally
Controlling behavior can sometimes transition into an abusive relationship, which O’Reilly says can take the form of emotional or verbal abuse. Your partner may disparage you, make fun of you around other people, or gaslight you when you try to express how they make you feel. All of these behaviors are unacceptable, says O’Reilly. If your partner is treating you this way, she recommends speaking with a therapist or counselor to help you cope with the abuse and safely exit the relationship.
4. Your Partner Abuses You Physically
Another form of IPV is physical abuse, which O’Reilly says is absolutely grounds to leave your relationship. If your partner resorts to violence or hurts you in any way, she says to connect with a trusted loved one or professional to help you safely remove yourself from the situation and end the relationship.
5. Your Partner Makes You Feel Horrible When You Don’t Want To Have Sex
Marital rape, or the raping of one’s spouse, wasn’t illegal in every US state until 1993. The majority of state criminal codes contained a “marital rape exemption,” essentially declaring rape between spouses to be impossible. As RAINN explains, these laws represented the ideology “that only stranger rape constituted ‘real rape’ or that forced sex is a ‘wifely duty.’” Although the crime is now recognized by law books, like other forms of sexual assault, it still occurs, is often not reported, and rapists are often not convicted. Our culture already makes it difficult for survivors to recognize and report rape, so it becomes even more difficult to understand your romantic partner as a rapist.
That’s why it’s important to recognize that partner or marital rape can happen in otherwise non-violent relationships, and to remember that consenting to a sexual act once does not mean consenting to that act for all time. If your partner pressures you to engage in unwanted sexual activities because it is your “duty” or because you “owe” them, the relationship is abusive, unhealthy, and unsafe. Refer to these hotlines and resources about partner rape for more help.
6. You Don’t Feel Good About Yourself Around Your Partner
Your partner should bring out the best in you, says O’Reilly, so if you feel like the worst version of yourself around them, that’s a sign something’s not right. If your partner says or does things that make you feel like you shouldn’t be proud of yourself or confident in who you are, then they aren’t treating you with the respect you deserve, she explains.
A good litmus test: If your friends and family express concern over your partner’s behavior, then this likely isn’t the relationship for you, says O’Reilly.
7. Your Partner Isolates You
If your partner tries to control who you spend time with, that’s a red flag, says O’Reilly. Independence is a crucial part of any healthy relationship, so attempting to isolate you from your loved ones and hobbies is a sign that your partner is trying to assert their dominance at the expense of your happiness, personal relationships, and self-care, adds Alomari.
There are many explanations for why they behave this way, and all of them are bad. Your partner may know that your friends dislike the relationship for good reasons, and thus attempt to keep you away from people who will point out serious flaws and concerns. Or they may be insecure or jealous of your interactions with other people. But your personal relationships and lifestyle matter, so any partner who tries to take that away is not the one for you, says Alomari.
8. Your Partner Makes You Change
Isolating you from friends isn’t the only red flag when it comes to controlling behavior, says Alomari. If your partner forces you to abandon your hobbies, certain personality traits, or other important aspects of your life, that’s also unacceptable. “If they make you feel like you have to give up the things that make you you, that’s a no,” she tells Bustle. “Someone who loves you for real will support your relationships and hobbies, and they will push you to feed that part of yourself because they want to see you happy.”
9. You Have Physical Reactions To Your Partner’s Behavior
Ever notice that you tense up when your partner is around? That’s another sign that the way they treat you puts you on edge, which O’Reilly says is no basis for a relationship. “The body responds to distress very instinctively,” she tells Bustle. “Check in with your body to see if it’s conscious of when they walk into the room.” If your body is indeed responding to your S.O. with stress, that’s a sign their behavior doesn’t make you feel at ease, which is grounds for a conversation or split.
10. Your Partner Invalidates Your Experiences
Like gaslighting, you should not tolerate a partner that tries to convince you that important parts of your history or lived experiences are insignificant or untrue. One example: If a woman expresses anger about the catcalling she frequently faces on the way to work, and her male partner brushes it off as “not a big deal,” telling her to “consider it a compliment,” that’s not OK. Similarly, O’Reilly says a partner who berates you for being too uptight or not open enough is not treating you appropriately.
It’s possible to educate your partner about issues that their race or gender may allow them to avoid, and it’s possible for them to learn to understand your experiences. However, if there’s no communication, you can rightfully become frustrated and irritated when they minimize your experiences.
11. Your Partner Judges You
Feeling judged by your partner is another sure sign that they’re not giving you the respect and kindness required in a relationship, says O’Reilly. While a loving partner can gently and respectfully help you be the best version of yourself and vice versa, a partner who is constantly telling you what’s wrong with you is a no-go, she says. They may regularly berate aspects of your personality or body shame you — both of which are cruel, immature, and manipulative ways to exert control in a relationship.
12. Your Partner Ignores Your Sexual Needs And Boundaries
If your partner makes you feel bad about your sexual preferences, ignores your sexual needs, or pressures you to partake in sexual activity without your willing and renewed consent, that’s not OK, says O’Reilly. While having different preferences and libido from your partner is normal, overstepping your sexual boundaries or ignoring your needs is not. “Sexual compatibility is not a matter of sameness, but a matter of effort,” she told Bustle in a previous interview. “If one or both of you seems unwilling to try to cultivate compatibility, it may be time to reconsider your commitment to the relationship.”
13. Your Partner Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
Does your partner joke about traumatic things that aren’t funny? Do they talk about their exes in a way that makes you uneasy? Or share your private information with others despite your protest? These are just a few ways that someone can overstep your boundaries, and a sign that your partner isn’t respecting your criteria for emotional wellbeing, says O’Reilly.
14. Your Partner Doesn’t Publicly Acknowledge Your Relationship
If you and your partner have mutually decided to enter a committed relationship, then it shouldn't be a secret (unless, of course, there are reasons you two have consensually chosen to keep it under wraps). If you’re spending time on this relationship, then you deserve recognition. Does your partner consider you a placeholder and doesn’t want to appear tied down in case someone else comes along? Are they lying about monogamy to multiple partners and have to keep it secret? Are they embarrassed by the relationship?
No matter the reason, you should be with someone who respects you and is proud of you. Clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., says to talk with your partner to get to the bottom of this dynamic. “The real test here is how well do the two of you communicate about these issues,” he told Bustle in a previous interview. “It may be a great chance to understand more how they feel about you and address some miscommunications. You may not like the answer, but you will know where you stand.”
15. Your Partner Always Accuses You Of Cheating
If your partner constantly accuses you of cheating — despite the fact that you haven’t and there is no cause for suspicion — then something is wrong. If certain aspects of your relationships with the people around you make your partner uncomfortable, then you should absolutely listen to their concerns and evaluate how your behavior may be hurtful. But if your partner is acting on insecurity alone and attempts to shame you or isolate you from others as a result, that’s a dealbreaker.
This paranoia can happen for all sorts of reasons, from trust issues to having cheated themselves, and it’s important to get to the bottom of it in order to move forward. “Projection is a very low-level coping skill,” said Dr. Paul DePompo, Psy.D., ABPP, a clinical psychologist and author of The Other Woman's Affair, in a previous interview. “People that do things themselves like cheat, think about cheating, or have cheated in the past, project these thoughts of desire onto their partners. Their mind ends up creating a reality that their partner is cheating as well.”
16. A Partner Talking Over You And Interrupting
Communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. So if your partner frequently talks over you, interrupts you, or corrects you — even if it’s not malicious — you need to point it out to them to nip it in the bud. “We’ve all heard when someone says something wrong, but constantly correcting your partner can become annoying and belittling,” said matchmaking and dating expert Stef Safran in a previous interview.
A Real Woman Doesn't Help You Spend Money On Money
17. Your Partner Slut-Shames You
Does your current partner get angry about your sexual history or number of past sexual partners? Do they call you a “slut” or “whore” if your outfit shows “too much skin”? Slut-shaming is your partner’s way of asserting control over your body, and it can be damaging, according to Dr. Nikki Goldstein, Ph.D., sexologist and author of Single But Dating.
“It impacts women because they might be acting on their own sexual desires or exploring their sense of self and are told by using that word that they are bad for doing so,' she said in a previous interview. 'They are experiencing something possibly positive and beautiful and then made to feel guilty for it. It can be very damaging to women and also very conflicting.”
18. Your Partner Belittles Your Career Aspirations
It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t want to see you succeed. It’s one thing for your partner to provide constructive criticism or to express frustration if your career has you ignoring the relationship, says Alomari. But if they insult your work ethic, mock your achievements, or even convince you to turn down opportunities, then you need to either confront the issue or walk away from the relationship.
Nawal Alomari, LCPC, a licensed clinical professional counselor and life coach based in Chicago
Dr. Paul DePompo, Psy.D., ABPP, a clinical psychologist and author of The Other Woman's Affair
Dr. Nikki Goldstein, Ph.D., sexologist and author of Single But Dating
Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., and clinical psychologist
Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and ambassador for sexual wellness and sex toy brands We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Arcwave
A Real Woman Doesn't Help You Spend Money
Stef Safran, matchmaking and dating expert
This article was originally published on June 23, 2015